My Gay-ish!

Do you think yourself gay? Or just fakin gay? Gay, is something that i find amusing, deliberately. Interesting, in other words. For me, who lived in a country which dont believe in such things called same-sex relationship, or gay-ish. Bein gay is a lil bit difficult, or rather i say i would end up myself being mockd stocks. Lucky, if i find myself still alive if not bein abused for bein a victim of homophobia. Gay, is a word that most people try to avoid, eventough they havin experienced for bein one of gay-ish thing. Gay is a kinda hell one-way ticket ride for bein alienated by society. Bein cursed by everykind of life aspects, such as civil law, or even religions dogma. Because bein gay is something unusual or rather i say weird, to find for most people. I dont know, i dont think i have myself weird. i just tryin to live usually bein myself. Follow what my heart says, and never think that i would like to harm anybody for bein myself.
Tough in reality, most gay people in my country, they are actin "straight". Wearin "straight" clothes, talk like "straight" people, walk like "straight" people, and havin girlfriend, just like "straight" people. Just for the sake bein called "normal" status. They dont wanna give up all the priviliges they have for bein "normal", or maybe just dont ready, yet. Or maybe they just like me, who dont know what am i supposed to do? Just to find someone to talk to about gay-ish things too is SO difficult, especialy when the early years when i found out that i am gay. It is difficult to differ gay people from the rest, because they actin just the same. But, exception for the sissy sisters. Findin gays or people with same ticket to Oz in daily real life is quite tricky bussiness.
Thats why, all these few years i just kept myself shut. Spending just discreetly payin attention for guys who walkin around my ways. Also discreetly flirt them, with shady intention of love. Keep for the note, i've experienced many countless misaffection bein fallin in love with straight guys. I just kept hittin with guys who round my ways, and no doubtly fallin for him. But then again, aint no kinda type who like to hang out. Spending time in a crowd, is like went down to Waterloo to save Napoleon's bum. No matter how determined my friends try to drag me out to hang out, i just simply just like to hang-out myself, alone. I keep myself on tracks just by browsin or get socialized on the web.
Now, i still believe in it. In reality, i just keep myself single, keep showin shallow flirt with some guys who around my ways. Hopin that he also havin same ticket with me to go to Oz, lol. And here also in front of you, who read my gay-ish blog. I never knew which one will lead me to find my The One. But, i just keep the faith, and follow my heart, that i'm sure someday i will find you, my The One.

Do you Gay?

Do u gay? I never think that word will end me up bein beatin up. Its rather difficult to differ gay people from the rest in my country. They're blend perfectly. i find myself so lucky that i dont end up with their hand havin poke my eyes out. Bein gay in my country is kinda like a curse thing, or like havin some deadly contagious disease. Like even, if i starin someone, they will freeze to stone, or burn to ashes. OMG, is gay really that worst? That's why most people like us are hidden themselves with the "straight" people, just for the sake for bein un-beatin up or treatin "normal"-ly.
Throwin some question like "Do u gay?" is not an option if u're not ready for the answer, yet. Askin the question to someone that u just had met or u flirt lately, are also u must prepare for all the consequences. Coz, not most people like to be opened bout their private life, example for bein gay secretly.
Most gay people in my country dont like to be called "gay". Eventough they're practisin it in their daily life. Most of us, like to keep safe and bein just "normal", eventough havin some interest with same sex relationship. They said that gay is just for fun, just for sex. Just for experience material to color their life. Nothin to take seriously, no emotion intended. And rest of us, just like to kept it for theirseves, or hide it from everyone. And deny it all. Only a few of gay people in my country who are brave to out stated themselves as a gay. Maybe like taken a bullet over ur head. So, do u gay?

Fallin For Straight Men?

I dont know why i always ended up like that, fallin with straight guys. Well, at least i still have myself in one piece. Fallin with straight people? Been there, done that, MOST of the times. For me, who dont go hang-out frequently, or harshly i say dont even go hang-out, is so difficult to find someone who share with same intentions, gay-ish!. I always comfy to get myself alone inside my room, or just takin a walk in late afternoon, or go to library, or cake-store, just by myself, alone. That's why, bein stuck in the crowd is one major hell kinda matter to me. I dont go hang-out, such as clubbin or whatsoever, but except note for music concert or go to the movie theatres. Because of it, its difficult for me to get someone to share about this kinda gay-ish experiences. And my affections went bluntly. Just soarin for some guys who round my ways, and doesnt even know if he had some kinda gay-ish or hetero sex-orientations. I just follow my heart, or rather i say instings. Hehe, lol, quite tricky isnt it? Sometimes, if i had dropping him some shallow hints. Then if got some positive feed back, maybe i would like turn my active mode on. Maybe like sending him some letters, but then of course with no name. Because its quite enough for me for havin beatin up, for mislead gave some guy with same purpose, lol. Then inside the letter, i gave him some code and anagram, kinda like Da vinci-code thing, so if he was "Langdon" enough, he will meet me. And back in history, no one ever succed it. Is it me who gave them difficult quizzes or he was to damn retarded? Or maybe he was not quite interestin havin me? LOL, hehe. But , its so much fun for havin these kinda feelin. Its like a stupid teenager who got his first love. Evertime eager try to find out more about him, more close to him, more time to spend to see him, more and more. Then when the time run out, and finnaly realize that he was non gay-ish for you to seek out for more. BANG!!! Its like takin a bullet, or even u hard enough to breath in vast thin air. Just like normally "straight" broken heart, we, gay also had that kinda thing [do u think gay are Martian?]. Its takin time for me to heald. It took quite sometime, depend for each person that i hitted. If it grew so much feelin that deliberately, so it took quite some long nights that spend with my eyes burstin while listening for ballad songs. Until now, even Facebook or other social media web 2.0 or growin rapidly. I still find myself still single. Eventough, i a'edy had lots of friend who share with same gay-ish thing. Local and ven abroad. Then again, i always keep hittin some guys around my daily life. Hehe, lol. Never get enough, maybe i just lookin its different for now. I dunno. Or will u tell me why?